Back to the garbage car

I decided to go back to the garbage car and do some re-arranging. Those lovely box's needed to be moved into a better car. So I stood up and went back to the door, it opened so easily. I went inside and to my horror I saw more garbage! There it was again self pity. "Why does it come back !" I thought to my self.

An Angel of God appeared before me. He said "Terri, you must open this and go through it." "Why?" I pleaded almost in a whinny voice. He didn't answer, but picked up the box and handed it to me. Reluctantly, I took the box and sat on the floor.

As I opened it, water started flowing out. I looked at the angel; "What is this?" I asked "Your tears Terri." Those  tears are from the pain you feel inside along with all the guilt you have for everything you have done in your life." He replied

As I opened it the tears evaporated leaving all my BAD deed's. I shook my head. "Oh my look at it all." Revenge, gossip, self pride, folly, cursing, immorality, fornication, guilt and distrust, "You have to forgive yourself and let it go Terri, that is the only way, you can do nothing to change the past, just except it and let go of it." "I don't know how to let my guilt go, I have tried so may times."

"That is why you have tried to die so many times, but our Father wants you to stop this nonsense." "You are precious in His eyes." Said the angel

"Precious in his eyes?" "Yes". he said. "Then why do I feel so sad?" "Letting go of things can cause people much sadness, you have hung on to these things all your life, but now it is Jesus who you must hang on to Terri." He replied.

I stood up and started tossing, no throwing them out the door. As they left my hands, angels were singing. "Glory to God in the Highest."
It's a relief to know I have someone else to lean on, someone who understands me more than I do myself. 

My Box of LOVE

When I returned to my seat, I held close that box. For some odd reason it had become much larger and heavier than before. It wanted to be opened I could feel the longing it held to be seen/ So tenderly I unwrapped it. The first thing I was was light coming from every crack in it. Anxiously I continued to unwrap it. A blinding light came forth and in that light I found a thorn. A thorn from the crown that was placed on my saviors head. There was a tag that said; "press this thorn into your heart." I did and my whole out look on life started to change.

I saw hearts so people who where loving me with a  godly love. Names too! E.M. Dana, Betty, Myra, Charlotte, Shawn even my cat Bella was there the list went on and on I read. Then the most meaning love of love anyone could ever have Seth and Hannah my children. Even my grand-children who I have never met were loving me.

I felt a presence sit with me and looked over it was my Savior and God. He said "You need to write Dwight  a letter, or he will keep calling and come by. Be swift about it now." And he was gone. I sat the box aside and began the letter.

Cleaning out my baggage car on God's Train

Well my Father gave me a chore to do. "It's time to clean out your baggage car!" "What?" I ask. "YOUR BAGGAGE CAR." he say's sternly.  "Okay" I shuffle of to the car. The place is so full of garbage I can hardly get the door open. Then when I do this, a horrible smell hits my nose! And I can hear the gagging coming from other passagers. "She hasn't done that in a long time, if ever" I hear someone say. "Open up the big door before we all choke to death." another one yells. I sign and squeeze through the shit. Swoosh..... The door slide as if HE helped.

A few little ones fly out the door all by themselves; abuse, temper tantrums, and adultery were the tags. I turn to the worst smell of all. Self Pity. This was one huge, slimy stinking bag! I had to remove some smaller ones that had no tags and I couldn't keep them just for a peek, they were in the way. So out the door they flew.

I pulled so hard at that bag, but it wouldn't budge. So I threw out other bags to slide it out. Some the names had been erased, but out the door they went. I crawled up over self pity to get behind it. with all my leg strength I pushed that bag it moved out so fast I couldn't believe it. As it hit the ground it exploded!!! From the stench of it. Wow I couldn't believe it was so ugly.

Turning I saw names of people I had to get rid of. Neil, Lee, Marshalle, Turtle, Jim P., Sue, then my most precious Dwight. I pick it up hugging it close to me, I didn't want to let this one go; but I had to. So I gently tossed him out. Two angels few in and caught the box in mid air! In a blink of an eye they were gone. I'm not sure what that was about but began to throw out more. Family a huge box, on the side it read "No go will come from this box they have been blocked out." So out it went. Dale; now that was something to see, as soon as it hit the ground colorful women's panties flew out. Ah the memories.

I looked around the car, in the corner was addictions. Tar baby, crack, meth, alcoholism, sex, they all had to go; LSD, pills of all kinds right out the door they went.

I sat down and looked around; there were still other box's but they were nicely pilled up and wrapped! The tags said love, joy, peace, kindness, godliness, righteousness, gentleness, purity, truth, honorable, goodness, self-control and faithfulness. The car smelled like flowers blooming. It was refreshing.

I picked up the box of love and headed back to my seat. "I'm hanging on to this one for awhile." I thought to my self. I closed the door behind me.

Addiction Poem 2002

Addiction doesn't care who you are, no preference to race, it's us it Hates.
A little drink here soon kills the liver, a puff there will kill the lungs, a pill down the throat, we do them likes its a joke.
A shot in the arm brings us up or down. We're caught in a cycle that goes round and round.
Our bodies quiver for that next fix. We'll do anything even turn a trick.
When will the insanity stop, when will it end? My life is so unmanageable; there is no safety within.
God brought two men together. Bob and Bill you know the name's.
Twelve easy steps to end this pain.
No more booze, no more pills, no more needles that will surely kill.
No more pain; Just go to the meetings we can abstain.
No more pawning all my things, no more people that can feed me this evil stuff. They pretend to be friends as long as the addiction has no end.
Our families will let us finally come home, they'll trust us if we refrain from that stuff.

Forgive me Poem 2002

Forgive me Jesus for my sins.

have mercy on me and my kin.

Forgive me for the things I've said.

If it wasn't for you I'd probably be dead.

Forgive me when I run from you.

Your love for me has always been true.

Forgive me now and even more.

My heart is breaking down to the core.

Forgive me when I forget to pray.

Please give now just one more day.

A day to praise you, sing and be true.

For I am nothing without you.

LORD of day, LORD of night.

Take my life and make it right.

Forgive me when I hide in shame.

You washed me clean, and left not one stain.

My life I give you now today.

As I humbly bow my head to pray.

Victims

                                                                        Victims


Victims usually expect pain, are to willing to accept it and never learn to like it.

They either make the wrong choices in a bonding partner (where some pain is only natural) or they choose wisely and then destroy what they are fearful of loosing.

Author Unknown

The Valley of the Shadow of DEATH

If you are a christian, you know Psalm 23. If you are not a christian; grab a bible and read it.

I have been walking in the shadow of death for 55 years. Fearing; my past demons. I was told by monsters "When someone tells you they love you, they are liar's, no one will ever love you." As a child you believe that lie, it will internalize and go with you every where.

MONSTERS are real! they are not ghouls, zombies, werewolves, or vampire's. They are people. Parents who are suppose to love you, meet your needs, encourage you, spoil you with hugs and kisses, Pray with you, take you to church, read the bible with you and tell you "You can be anything you want to be."

My monsters were vicious. They molested me, beat my mom and brother without mercy. They are real. But what I've learned is, I have been carrying around and feeding off what they did, and what I saw. Every single day of my life.

On November 22, I took over 120 1 mg. of Ativan (the trade name) Lorazepam (generic); I remember taking them, and laying down. I remember waking up to the phone and saying, "I can't believe I'm awake." It was 4:30pm. I took them at 11:00am. I should of been dead by then.

God woke me up and I called for help. Imagine Gods love and mercy for me to pull me out of the pit of my own despair and save me. I don't remember to much after that. I was told by the woman I called, that the MT's walked me to the ambulance, nearly carrying me to the ambulance. I remember looking at the thing on my finger that show's how much oxygen is going through you 69%. I remember thinking "I am on patches and it shouldn't be that low!" I was so out of it. They didn't pump my stomach because they had already absorbed into my system. I remember signing papers at the treatment facility. Everything up to four days ago was a blur.

My monster step dad and his two son's took away my childhood. My other monster is alive. and for a short time I wanted revenge. I was going to blog their names and what they did, so that their children and grand-children could see the face behind the masks they where. Romans 12:19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY." say's the Lord.

Two women from my church, ask me if I really wanted to hurt the innocent? The answer is no. I got my own children away from them and they were never harmed. They are married and have children of their own. I asked God to protect them, then left them to his wonderful care. They are happy, have wonderful spouse's. They were taken to church by their dad and step mother and were raised in love. For this I am sincerely grateful.

I am home now and rejoicing over my new walk with my Lord and Savior. Those monsters are out of my life. They maybe dead for all I know; except one which I know is alive.

One Step Closer

One step closer to ending it all.
    One step closer to death. It calls to me to end this pain, just one more step.
No bleeding all over, no jump from the bridge. Just a few pills, that's all I've said.
    One step closer. and what can you do?
You can't stop the dread, that whirls in the head.
     Nor say it's worth living, nor say you are worthy.
One step closer to ending this pain. Let me go, let me go

Insatiable Poem by the sexual alters of Terri Hobart 12- 2001

We are never satisfied, we live for the hunt and hunt to live. As screaming voices rage in our head. They long for the touch's, that raped us in bed. We're insatiable.

No amount of sex will ever be enough, and the drugs we take can't change this stuff. It's the pain from being insatiable.

We know sex all to well, it was a gift from family a gift from hell. We are insatiable.

We'll exasperate you as we run hot, then cold. Our carnal erotically, still insatiable. Voracious, unsatisfied, unspeakable, and unquenchable need for sex.

How to get more searching for pleasure so old. To gratifies the fleshly desires, it's loveless and unkind. We are insatiable.

This addiction is tearing us apart, don't try to hold us down or try so hard to full fill this need.

We are a vessel that never gets filled. A madness and insanity that can't be killed We are insatiable.

Don't try to understand us or desire us to much, we'll kill your spirit, then you will retrieve. We are insatiable how many times does it take you to believe?

We are insatiable in search for that high, but when it's all over we hang our head and cry. 

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Explanation of Leach dance

The leach dance is about any unhealthy relationship we have. We do an unhealthy dance with others that bring about pain. Sometimes we get out of them, just to go on to another one that maybe even worse than the one we left behind.

I've done this most of my life, jumping from one unhealthy relationship to another. Now I look back. It is better for me to remain single.

Explanation of some poems

At one time in my life, when things got so bad at home. I started loosing time, years even. I learned later on that I had developed Multiple Personality Disorder. Some people believe it's a part of Schizophrenia believe me it is not. It is a man made disorder brought on my years of trauma. Once a person can come to grips with it, and many people don't. They live their entire life switching from one personality to another just to cope with everyday things.
I was fortunate; The Lord and his loving kindness put them back. I've seemed to of lost much of their talents. And I miss them terribly they were my hero's.

A Multiple No More Poem 8-1-2001 ( Many Names) of Terri

A tear drop falls from your eyes, we hear you cry at night alone; your body trembles from pain.
We cry out there is no shame, your not a lone.
Our hearts cry out as you lay afraid, while you wait for the one who carries the blade.
You are not a lone we are hear. First there was one, now there is two. Look down you see here there? His body covers even her hair.
Now there's four, five then six. One day it will all be fixed.
A tear drop falls from your sweet eyes, another alter then a rise. First there was one, now forty four. One sweet day a multiple no more.   By Terri Sara of Terri A. Hobart

Terrorism Poem 02-10-02

They said America was terrorized September 11th 2001; but the fact is terrorist lived here since America begun. It started the first time when the pilgrims moved here, they terrorized the Natives with diseases and fear. They were abused, maimed and murdered. Men women and children. They were called  saves. heathens and demons. They took away their land and wiped out many clans.
Then they sold people from Africa, made them slaves of this new America. They were beaten, raped and were maimed too. Just because their color was different from they're Gods choose few.They were taught not to speak unless it was English; they were treated worse than animals with whips. They  impregnated the women then killed their infants.
Worse yet is how they treated their own, they properties not people at all. Wives were beat, children were raped serial killers emerged from what their parents imated. Arms were broken, bodies were burned welts left scars and minds were split by vicious words. Molesters of children were family and friends, but when these kids grew up the real terror began.
Jails were filled, institutions too. Suicide became the trend, drugs were consumed. To numb out their pain and with all this destruction terrorism still grew.
So when the the planes were taken and flown into the trade towers, another kind of terrorist took away our power. When the President said "wanted dead or alive." When parents were killed and more children cried. The sane became crazy, the insane crazier' When the children with guns started killing for fun. Gangs came together and started killing each other.
Church's were packed with people in pain, crying out to God to help them maintain. If we could turn back the hands of time, if had not landed on Plymouth rock. If the Natives of this land had been left alone, and the Africans weren't taken from their home. If we treated our families with love and care. Do you think that God above, would of stopped the planes that terrorized our terrain. Do you think our children would refrain from shooting bullets in their brain?
If we had stopped our own terrorists, do you think we'd be happy and filled with bliss?

The Leach Dance Poem 06-21-03

In the darkness they do a dance. Around and round with beats of a trance. In twined together like a worm on a hook, sucking each other while others look.
He use to be young, but the dance made him old; she on the other dances in the cold.
Dancing along as the leach dance goes on, he longs for his freedom but he's only her pawn.
If he could be honest and let his secrets out; she'd not have that hold on him that keeps him dancing about.
She laughs as she pulls the strings of a master puppeteer. Swaying him heather pulling him there. The melody of the leach dance calls to his ears. She's a damn sucking leach that keeps him near.
It takes two to dance this deadly duet, the only way to stop it is to crush her neck.
Honesty is the best policy, so the good book says. Doing this deed insures the leach is dead.
The song whines down and stops not forever, tell two others pick up and begin a new dance together.

God's Train Part two

"Wow I wonder if anyone noticed that?" I thought but I was determined to have a good time. Now on God's train you never ever stop the train for anything or any body. Only he can let people on or off. I knew this, but hey I was having fun. So I stopped and let some people on. They were so happy they could have kissed me. The engine is the largest part of the train and it has lots of seats and refreshments.
   Who do I see first off? Well Neil of course. We were glad to see each other. It was like old times again. (those old times are never as good as we pretend them to be.) So I put the train on cruise control and step away. Not my best move, after reflecting back.
   "What are you doing at the drivers seat?" He asked. "You don't have a licences to drive." he interjected. "Just taken a spin " I laughed. I think he even knew it wasn't a good job to take the position of God. But I didn't care. I was a bit upset with him anyway. Life wasn't what I expected. We started smoking pot, drinking and just having a great time. I noticed that there wasn't as many people in there. Some how I must have been too distracted to notice them leave.
    After awhile we decided it was a good idea to get back together. But there was some things that HE had to change before I would want to marry him. Since I wasn't much of a drinker The fact is I had quit drinking on a regular base's. It made me mean and sluttish like. And I didn't like that. So I dared him to quit. Not thinking he would give it a go, but he did. But he wanted me to spend every minute with him. He started telling me I couldn't be friends with other men I knew ; well one man in particular. Dwight, he was my best friend. how could he ask such a thing, but I agreed. (Better to be with someone miserable than to be alone after all)
   He began to change; not for the better either. When I rejected his sexual advances, he ceased talking to me. I know people should talk things out, but it was no use. So I got back into the drivers seat not noticing a curve up a head and derailed. Oh what a mess. I could hear other people crying from far away. I looked around and decided to go back to my seat.
   When I get to my car, every thing was a mess. The air bags were down, friends were shooting those looks that just made me feel all the worse. I got to my seat, there was God sleeping so I thought. "Father" I said he opened his eyes. There was no judgmental looks, he smiled "Yes Terri?" he replied "Did you learn anything on your drive?" He asked. I lowered my head and broke down in tears, he took me into his arms and said "I love you my child, come to me when you are bored or hurting, I will always listen to you." He then got up and told everyone it was alright. I sat down humiliated, some of my church friends came over and told me they loved me to. While others gave me that "You suck look."
   Looking back now I realize that it is never good to get in a seat that I don't belong in. That I had lost track of what is important. Being able to accept things how they were. If God wanted me to have a mate he would provide one. And that I'm never alone. God is just a prayer away.

God's Train Part One

Both of my parent's worked for the Burlington Northern in Butte MT. So it seems fit to make an allegory about a train in which God is the Engineer and we are passengers on His train.
   In the cars at different times are various people who we are related to, who are our friends or just innocent by standers that are caught up in our madness.
   There are unspoken rules to riding this train of mine. H.A.L.T.can ruin the trip. This was my past ride on Our Lords Train.
   I'm sitting in my car, looking at the beautiful scenery go by, and  listening to the conversations of the people in my car that day.. I didn't feel included in the conversations. Letter from my children telling me busy their life was busy with their own growing families and I felt forgotten and unloved. Everyone had someone to love Everywhere I looked people had a close friend, husband, boy friend. children, a job, and there I sat all alone (I thought) in my pain.. I got bored with the chatter that was going on around me. No one seems to notice me when I get up to find some thing better to do.  (Believe me they noticed me leave.)
   I began to walk through other peoples cars, watching them very carefully. I would stop and go for a least one month until I reached the engine.
   God looks up from the tracks, "Hello Terri what can I do for you today" he asks. (of course he already knows why I'm there, )  "Can I drive the train for awhile." I ask "Of course you can." he replies. He gets up and makes his way back to my car. As soon as some of the other people in my car see him sit in my seat they start to freak; some Say to God  "Why? Don't you remember what happened the last time you let her drive!!!!!!" He just smiles at their fearful faces and say's "Be still." Then he reclines the seat and closes his eye's. A few pull down the oxygen mask, others pull out life vests, some put on sear belts. (the kind in baby car and still others recline their chairs and pray.
   Meanwhile I start to get real sleepy because God's seat his Holy in his presents if your paying attention is very healing. I was so tired and feel asleep. I begin to dream.... I had got word that my brother Michael that he wasn't coming, and I couldn't figure out what I had done to change his mind and why he was so pissed off      .   I went to two friends of mines home. Lee a woman I've know for a long time, and her neighbor Neil. I hadn't seen Neil for a year. (We were lovers at one time) I could suerly get what I was looking for there.
 


The train jarred, and I woke up I had hit a Deer, there was blood all over the glass, limbs flew past car window's. Dwight saw a hoof. "Oh no where is she taking us now?" he grumbles. He reaches in his over head compartment and puts on a helmet. He wonders "How much of my wine did she drink oh Terri please just come back to your seat!" Dwight looks at God and shakes his head..............

Life is about choice's

I have been thinking about how I want to write about my own choice's as apposed to what caused my insanity. My life was no more full of horror's than anyone else's. And to sit here and tell you about how bad I felt about my childhood would be more insane.
   So I'm going to tell you about the choices I made in my own Craziness and the consequences to those choices.
    My first blog now is how I believe God allows us to chose even before birth. None of this is scriptural okay?  Just the random thoughts of this Crazy Women. I'm writing an allegory.

How to become crazy

Becoming crazy does not happen by chance. Either you were born with a mental disability, or you were conditioned to be crazy. When I say conditioned, I mean people drove you to it.
 In my case, I was told over and over "Your Crazy!" And so my dear readers crazy I would become. It takes a lot of hard work to be crazy. But when you do become full blown insane, then people react differently to you.
 Here is an example. At one time I was addicted to Meth. After several months of killing my self I decided enough! A man I knew came to my house to post some threats. He pulled out his gun and played with it. He said "If you ever tell anyone about me, you'll get this." My reply "Stop teasing me with a good time, either shoot me or get the fuck out of my house!" He was shocked, then replied "Lady you are one crazy bitch", and left.